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    The Microsoft Strategy in C
    Joke Info
    Category : Computers
    Rating : 3.50
    Contributor : Optikal
    Type : T
    #include
    #include
    #include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
    #include /* For the court of law */
    #define say(x) lie(x)
    #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
    #define next_year soon
    #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

    void main()

    {

    if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)

    {

    if (there_are_still_bugs)

    market(bugfix);

    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)

    raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);

    }

    while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)

    {

    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking);/* Standard Call, in lie.h */

    if (rumours_grow_wilder)

    make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);

    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)

    {

    market_time=ripe;
    say("It will be ready in one month);
    order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
    order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
    order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
    vapourware=TRUE;
    break;

    }

    }

    switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)

    {

    case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:

    say("It will be readyin", today+30_days," we're just testing");
    break;

    case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:

    say("Yes it will work");
    ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
    pretend(there_is_no_problem);
    break;

    case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:

    say("It will run ona 8086 with lightning speed due to" " the 32 bits architecture");
    inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
    inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant 'cos all those customerswill need at least 32 megs");
    inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
    get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
    break;

    case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:

    say("Oh no, we are justhere to make a better world for everyone");
    register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);

    when(time_is_ripe)

    {

    arrest(journalist);
    brainwash(journalist);

    when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)

    {

    order(journalist, "writea nice objective article");
    release (journalist);

    }

    }

    break;

    }

    while (vapourware)

    {

    introduction_date++; /* Delay*/
    if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release) break;
    say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);

    }

    release(beta_version)

    while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)

    {

    bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
    release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
    introduce(more_memory_requirements);

    if (customers_report_installation_problems)

    {

    say("that is a hardwareproblem, not a software problem");

    if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)

    {

    ignore(customer);
    order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard");

    }

    }

    if (there_is_another_company)

    {

    steal(their_ideas);
    accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
    hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */ wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
    buy_out(other_company);

    }

    } /* Now everyone realizesthat we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */

    order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
    buy(nice_little_island);
    hire(harem);
    laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);

    }

    void bugfix(void)

    {

    charge (a_lot_of_money);

    if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)

    say("It is not a bugfixbut a new version");

    if (still_complaints)

    {

    ignore(customer);
    register(customer, Big_Bill_Book); /* We'll get him when everyone usesBillware!!*/

    }

    }

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