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    lots of medical jokes :)
    Joke Info
    Category : Medical
    Rating : 3.67
    Contributor : scout4eva
    Type : T
    Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.


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    Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Well... The bad news first... Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.


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    Doctor: I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first? Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please. Doctor: Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS. Patient: Good grief! What's the good news? Doctor: The good news is that there is no more bad news.


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    Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news, which shall I tell first? Patient: Uhhh, well, give me the bad news first, I guess. Doctor: You only have one week left to live. Patient: Oh no! What good news can you possibly tell me now? Doctor: Well, you know that really hot-looking nurse who just came in here? I'm taking her out to dinner tonight, and who knows where the night will end!


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    This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: Well, give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. Patient: OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??? Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.


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    What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's Disease? You can hide your own Easter eggs. You are always meeting new people. You never have to watch reruns on television.


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    Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!


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    Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature? Nurse: No. Is it missing?


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    Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well, don't do that.


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    Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters? Nurse: No change yet.


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    Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow. Doctor: How do you feel? Patient: A little down in the mouth.


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    Patient: Doctor, what fish did you say I have? Doctor: Not a fish, stupid, cancer!


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    Patient: Doctor, I've got five penises. Doctor: Well, how do your pants fit? Patient: Like a glove.


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    Doctor: Have you ever had this before? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well, you've got it again.


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    Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in? Doctor: A shoebox.


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    Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid bastard!!!!!


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    Patient to optometrist: I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances? Optometrist to patient: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference.


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    Patient walks into a doctor's office. Patient: Doctor, people ignore me. Doctor: Next!


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    Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything! Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem? Patient: What problem? Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory? Patient: What pills?


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    Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and smoking, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.


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    Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room. Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.


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    Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown. Doctor: What does he call his other eye?


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    Patient: Well, doc, what does the X-ray of my head show? Doctor: Nothing.


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    Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails? Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else.


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    Patient: Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent? Doctor: Yes there is...being young and broke.


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    Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in used toaster oven aluminum foil, what's wrong with me? Doctor: You have far too much free time.


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    Patient: Doctor, ya gotta help me. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm. Doctor: Really! What are you taking for it? Patient (with a grin): Black pepper!


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    Patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor. Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out. Patient: I wanna second opinion. Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.


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    Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed. Doctor: You should cut down on drinks. Patient: I don't touch a drop. Doctor: You should cut down on smoking. Patient: I don't smoke. Doctor: You should stop taking drugs. Patient: I don't do drugs. Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life. Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.


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    Patient: Tell me, doctor. Is it serious? Doctor: Well, I wouldn't advise you to start watching any serials on TV.


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    Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses. Teller: You certainly do. This is a bank.


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    Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say. Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?


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    Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt, doctor? Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.


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    Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.


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    Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 200 bones in the human body? Tom: Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!


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    Congratulations, Mr Brown, you're in great shape for a man of sixty. Pity you're only forty.


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    Patient: Doctor, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out." Doctor: That's easy. Eat shit.


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    Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!!! Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!


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    Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor. Doctor: Oh, really? Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!


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